Friday, 17 December 2010
Thursday, 16 December 2010
some days i’m on top of the world. and other days i watch pulp fiction and i cry because i can’t help but remember when we sat in the attic under a blanket drinking tea and watching pulp fiction and i was tired and cold and you kept me warm and kissed my head. 99 luft balloons plays and we dance on the table and everybody sings along and cheers and laughs. i haven’t seen you for twenty-one days and it is halloween and you come to the door in a dress and more make-up than me but i kiss you anyway and i get lipstick stains on my mouth. i’m wearing your jacket and we are sat by the canal and it is cold and you blow smoke in my face and laugh. i’m sitting on the edge of a roof above a small town and you sit next to me and hold my waist and kiss my cheek. it is five in the morning and we are still drunk and we sit in my garden naked and smoke my last cigarette. i’m too weak to move and you help me to the kitchen and make me beans on toast and hold me tight to stop me shaking. i fall asleep on you during every film we try to watch. i take naked polaroids of you and run upstairs to show rosie. we drink vodka all day long and you sneak me into your house to stay the night and we wake your mum anyway. we get high by the canal with your friends and i sit on your lap and you pass the spliff. you lie in bed and i get dressed and you watch me in the strangest way. you first kiss me on my roof and i am too drunk to remember.
Monday, 22 November 2010
my room has mould growing in the corner and it doesn’t feel like home anymore. i want everything to go back to normal but even normal doesn’t feel enough. everything is so empty. my phone keeps buzzing but it is never who i want it to be. i have no motivation to get out of bed. i sit and smoke multiple cigarettes and eat pear drops but i stopped tasting them a long time ago. just a distraction. i listen to my ipod on shuffle and a song comes on that i don’t want to hear but i listen to it anyway. i watch films in bed and it reminds me of the last time i watched films in bed. everything is sticky with memories and i want to take the pictures down from my wall but they are my favourite pictures. i ride my bike but the wind cuts my face and i can't help but think how much nicer it would be with you there. i want to be proactive and create beautiful things but i can't remember how. i've forgotten how to be content. i get a drunk text message at 2.47am and it hurts because i know it is just that; a drunk text message. i am sick of waiting and sick of feeling like half a person.